Let's face the truth together, romantic relationships are NOT the solution to personal happiness and fulfillment and in this article we talk about:
- Illusion of Fulfillment: Challenges the misconception that a relationship resolves issues or brings automatic happiness.
- Unresolved Problems: Emphasizes that personal internal and external struggles persist regardless of relationship status including past wounds and triggers, low self-love and self-worth, as well as environmental challenges.
- Self-Love over External Validation: Encourages prioritizing self-love and internal validation, underscoring the importance of redirecting energy inward for genuine contentment.
- Journey to Self-Discovery: Advocates self-awareness, self-respect, and personal growth as foundational for lasting happiness. True fulfillment originates from within rather than external sources.
Role play time. I will play me (Lauren), and you play you.
You: "I want to be in a relationship because that will make me happy!"
Me: Listens respectfully.
You: "I mean, life feels lonely and that's why I am sad and unhappy."
Me: Still listening.
You: "Think about it, they (hinting at random strangers in coffee shop) are clearly happy because they found each other. That's what I need."
Me: ...
I’ve heard it time and time again - from strangers, friends, and family: they crave a romantic relationship. They want to find their person. Life feels lonely; they're sad and miserable being single, and that being in a relationship will make them happy.
At this point I always ask the question, how? How will having a romantic relationship with someone make you happy?
The answer is always the same: because someone will be there for me and take care of me. I’ll be able to come home to someone instead of an empty, lonely house. I'll have fun, cute dates (especially around the holidays). I'll have someone I can confide in and feel safe with.
I empathize with this; I understand completely. Finding your best friend in a partner is beautiful, and it’s comforting to share life with someone you love. But what I wholeheartedly disagree with is the notion that "once I'm in a relationship, I will be happy."
I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but no, you will not. It sounds harsh, but hear me out.
No romantic relationship can fill that void and make you happy.
Your problems will still be there. The job you despise, the emptiness inside, the pain from your past, your triggers, your mind, your negative outlook on life, your detrimental self-talk, your body issues, your poor health, struggles with friends and family members, everything currently in your life is still going to be there.
No matter how amazing someone is, they cannot make you happy. They cannot love you enough for you to magically love yourself and love your current life situations. Placing such an immense burden on another human being - to expect them to be the constant source of your happiness or be the one to fix your problems - is unfair. They can’t love you into forgetting your past wounds. They can’t love you into healing the trauma from your life. They can’t love you into finally recognizing your own self worth.
For the first few months, this special someone might distract you from yourself and the feeling of loneliness. But eventually, the pain resurfaces. Loneliness and unhappiness creep back in. Triggers emerge, arguments start, your unresolved issues surface, and you struggle to communicate. You feel just as unhappy and lonely as before — maybe even more so because now you have someone around you yet it still feels like it's you against the world.
Someone told me this once and it resonated so deeply – having a strong love with another human being is the beautiful icing on a solid, magnificent, cake. So bake your cake – love yourself and focus on yourself first. Rediscover your passions and hobbies. Focus on your career. Focus your attention on becoming aware of who you are (dive deep into your past to understand the effects it has on your present actions and reactions). Embody so much self love and recognize your worth.
CHOOSE YOU.
Love from another person is just the icing, without you stepping up to be the foundation it will all crumble. It's something that adds to, and magnifies your own inherent strengths and beauty. Heal, so that you can show up as your full, beautiful, authentic self, and cherish that love, instead of being too fearful or blocked to let it in.
We should never go looking externally for love, happiness, and validation. Give those things to yourself first. Learn who you are and learn to love every piece of yourself first. Stop validating to yourself that you won't ever be happy alone and you need someone externally to reassure you that you are lovable and loved.
Have you ever noticed that when you are searching for love it seems to elude you? Yet, when you are focused on yourself love blooms in your life?
When you constantly seek love externally, that energy pushes outwards. People subconsciously sense this. They feel the desperation and grasping regardless of what you say or physically do. They feel the lack of self-respect, love, and boundaries.
Yet, when you love yourself, when you choose yourself, you pull all of your energy back to you, others energetically feel this and are drawn to you.
TIP: Something that helped me immensely when I felt like I was pushing my energy out towards others (thinking about a romantic partner in a longing or anxious way), I would literally say to myself out loud and inside my head “I choose me”. Over and over and over. I could feel the energy coming back to me. I could feel my whole body and mind relax. Try it next time!
I’m going to say something that might sound terrifying, but it’s true. And once you understand this your outlook will change. You will become your priority. You will understand why healing, finding your authentic self, learning self love, self respect and healthy boundaries is the best thing you could ever do for yourself and the only way forward…
No one else can save you. No one can save you but yourself. No one can make you happy but yourself. No one can tell you who you authentically are but yourself.
Consider this time right now as your last remaining moments of being single. While you have this time being single, find out who the heck you are. Not who people have told you to be. Not who you have built yourself up to be in order to be accepted. Find out who you TRULY are. Embody your authentic self. Respect yourself and understand your boundaries. Love yourself, ‘flaws’ and all. Dive deep inwardly and heal what you’ve been pushing away. Learn to step out of a fear based life.
And if you're saying, "I do love myself", yet are still struggling to find contentment without a romantic partner, ask why?
And then ask yourself a few more questions:
Do you look in the mirror and nitpick yourself about the way you look?
Do you put yourself down when you make mistakes?
Do you judge yourself more harshly than others?
Do you genuinely know yourself – beyond the subconscious personas, walls and barriers you hold?
Do you feel like it’s hard to be alone in a quiet room without the distractions of your cell phone or TV?
Is it tough to be alone with your thoughts?
Do you find that you try to push certain thoughts and feelings away?
Take this time to rediscover yourself so that when a partner shows up in your life, you can be your most authentic self and not rely on them to make you happy.